She said goodbye the last time, I wish it were like last time. She changed her mind and came around again. It’s been a while now and still no word. How did she leave me? Oh, the nerve of her!
Now am sitting at the bar saying, “Bartender another round…”
Guess whose drunk again? This bar is an old familiar friend. Drink until I’m stumbling down.
And she was on my mind, I know it’s not the best of times to call, but I need you now.
“Bartender, pour me another round…”
I’ve found my enemy at the bottom of this drink. Bartender won’t you please drown Him for me, oh drown Him for me.
See, I could run a million miles to hide all these sober thoughts and drunken times. But I’ve got to stop pretending I’m not falling for you when I’ve already spread my wings to fly.
Pour Him out,
Pour me, another round.
I’ve found an enemy at the bottom of this drink – bartender won’t you please, say it’s not me. Oh, say it’s not me. Say it’s not me.
In case you might be lost in the corners of my mind, let me…
She, is my best self. My strength, my ego, my wind, my courage, my pair of wings. I had lost her because sometimes things just get tight!
Even now as I find myself out of the woods, with the worst behind me, I’m still struggling with battle scars. I don’t really feel like myself and the best part of me is wounded.
I need her…
Drinking is symbolic of me running. If y’all don’t already know, I don’t drink. I find myself running because I am scared of facing my demons head on. She always found her way back to me all those times in the past. This time round it’s different. It’s taking more effort from me to get her back and that scares the crap outta me!
She wants more from me and that means I have to outgrow my old habits. I have to let go of the hideouts I created to escape away from her expectations.
I really need her so bad right now…
He, is my distraction, my deflection and where I project my blame. I make him up when I want to play my blame games and make everyone else a target except myself. In him, I could escape for a while and keep running. I’m finally at my crossroad and I have to choose whether I want to to keep running or face my greatest fear – my weaknesses.
I need to pursue her into coming back home with me…
It takes a lot for me to let ‘outsiders’ in on my vulnerable side. Most certainly isn’t one of my strong suits and I’m slowly learning how to drop this guard down every once in a while.
Pour me, Pour me out…
Sometimes love can feel like a battlefield and it gets hard to hold on. As the pressure builds, my patience fails and heart becomes stone but I’ve learnt my lesson still I’d rather cry with you than be alone.
Instead of finding blame, I’d rather find my way home to her…
I might say; “Despite my highs in 2016, my lows were really fucked up! I cried the most, felt the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my entire life, hustled the most for shit, cried some more on my apartment floor, died a little on Friday and Saturday nights…”
But I am the type of muffin top who will also say; “I am down but certainly NOT out, if you knock me down, when I get up, you better start running, we don’t say ‘why me’ we are always war ready saying ‘try me’, Get shit done, you are your only limit…”
I am certainly one of those deep people. I feel things long after the moment has passed. Traces of my sadness or happiness lingering on my fingertips during my after-thoughts. Love, to me, is like cold small drops of dew on my cheeks and forehead waking up things inside me. Other times, it’s like being half awake enjoying the soft morning sun sneaking up on my feet.
I am that sunshine mixed with a little hurricane. Sometimes I am the thunder scaring the crap out of you, other times I am the darkness seated quietly around you on your worst day listening to all your thoughts and fears (And I mean that in a good way). Often, I can be the chuckle you just can’t keep inside.
Those are the things that make you mine…
This post is about my self-discovery journey. Finding myself is something I never took the time to do and I’m truly enjoying every ounce of it!
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”
Makeup by: Viola